As someone who’s been addicted to both gambling and substances — and who was even charged with a drug felony — I can honestly say that nothing compares with the shame of a gambling addiction. To realize you’ve maxed out your debt, opened credit cards using your husband’s name without his knowledge and then had to tell the people you love what you’ve done … there’s nothing that makes you feel more ashamed.
The good news is that I found help for my gambling addiction. I still struggle to share my full story with people I talk to, but I’m working on it.
While my gambling addiction started about five years ago, in many ways the roots go back to 1998. That’s when I was in a car accident that left me with herniated discs. The first treatment was narcotics. That was fine until 2007, when I lost twins at 22 weeks due to preterm labor. That’s when I started using the narcotics to numb the grief.
Fast-forward to about five years ago. I went with a friend to the casino. I set out $50 or so to spend. No problem. I remember my friend telling me that I shouldn’t come alone to a casino. But after I won one time, I went back alone — and won again. Before long, gambling became another addiction. I would take several hours out of the day to go to the casino, which was about a 45-minute drive away. Eventually, I started going at night and would stay there all night.
I only gambled for about a year, but it escalated quickly. At first, I just played the penny and nickel slots. At some point I had a big win and moved on to higher stakes, such as the $10 slots. I remember that my ex-husband owed me $40,000. I blew all of that in one day, went back the next day and won it all back, and then went back the next day and lost it all again. The more I could bet, the more excitement I felt when I won. It was like my brain was craving that feeling.
My gambling debt quickly accumulated to more than $100,000. My husband took out a line of credit with our bank to use for home improvements, and I gambled that away too. The casinos would advance thousands of dollars, and eventually I maxed that out, too.
“I couldn’t grasp how I could be addicted when no substance was entering my body. I learned how the wins and the anticipation of winning affected my brain, and I came to understand that addiction isn’t necessarily about a substance.”
Finally, at my husband’s urging, I surrendered and sought help. I told my parents about my gambling and started going to Gamblers Anonymous (GA). My husband went to Gam-Anon. I noticed some of the similarities with GA’s 12-step approach with what happens at the AA meetings I continued to attend. I didn’t realize how quickly I could essentially switch addictions. Now I know I can become addicted to anything.
At first, I couldn’t grasp how I could be addicted when no substance was entering my body. I learned how the wins and the anticipation of winning affected my brain, and I came to understand that addiction isn’t necessarily about a substance. For me, gambling was affecting my brain in much the same way my substance addiction had.
At about the same time my gambling took off, I was being treated for restless legs syndrome. I later learned that the medication I was prescribed can cause a compulsive urge to gamble. I assume that was also a factor in my behavior.
I’m doing well in my recovery now, but I have to be smart and careful. I’ve been to Las Vegas several times since I started my recovery and always make sure to check in with my sponsor. Sometimes the cravings are still there, and they can be really strong. I also occasionally perform a music gig at casinos, and I’m careful to make sure someone is always with me.
I occasionally go back to the place where I received treatment for my substance addiction to share my story. Unfortunately, I still don’t feel comfortable sharing the gambling piece of my journey. I’m still trying to overcome that shame.
There are two important things I’ve learned through my experience. The first is to be aware of “switching addictions.” If you’re prone to addiction, you’ll probably find another addiction, even one that doesn’t involve ingesting anything into your body.
The second message is that you should be careful not to isolate or hide. Being alone is what triggered all this for me. I now realize that addiction is taking something on the outside to fix something on the inside and, for an effective recovery, you need community.